Really.

It happened a few months a while back when a friend asked me if you and I were.. a thing. Are we? I laughed. For the question seemed ridiculous.



My phone beeped, jumping eagerly, knowing the text might be from you. Then I realized.. was I that obsessed. :3 I really wished to beat the crap out of me. Acting like a total whipped. The next thing I knew I was ignoring the texts. I groaned and rolled over in the bed pulling the pillow on top of my head, trying to stop thinking, but it was no use.

I've never really had a real 'thing' with someone before, not a proper one that I've had feelings for. I started to wonder what it would actually feel, to have someone whom you actually care more than anything else. Someone you want to go home to every night and talk to instead of going out with your friends. Screw school stuff just to text and wish that someone to have a good night sleep. What If I'm scaring you? Or coming on too strong? The one that I think I could possibly have 'feelings' (-char) would run off, too scared, and I'd lose couldn't I bear. But why'd you have to do and tell me all that stuff? I mean, how could you want all that stuff with me and texts me sweet messages for hours on the phone. I am thinking A LOT right now. Wouldn't I be sitting here just wonder why you want me too? Why am I making you happy too? AND WHY THE HELL am I having this unworthy feeling?


Remembering the question, I answered, "Well.. in a way." With a stupid moronic big grin on the face.


Then I drifted to sleep with you on my mind as usual. Maybe it would feel a little like what I'm feeling right now, sort of contented and happy.

Or.. am I too lonely for my own good??

It was times like this that I wished I had someone, someone to ask me what was wrong and tell me that it was ok for feeling like an idiot. Someone to hold me so I could think about anything other than being like a stupid prick. Someone to just want to be with me for me, instead of the way I looked, or the way I dressed or because I wore a uniform. Then my mind wandered to you... of how uninterested you are in me. Or was it the rejecting that you did? I mean, where would be the fun in that. I just thought it was an interesting chase. It IS. I laughed and shook my head at myself. A cliche. I've always wanted what I couldn't have. Was I wearing my game face on because you didn't want me? Whyyy.. do I always want the unobtainable? :x

And maybe I can close my eyes before I can momentarily remember to slap myself before anything falls on the floor.