8th of December 2013

And someone said, "I can be alone, of course I can. But I just have no wish to be alone, not without you. There's no reason on earth to be. Both of us could survive apart, but what for? Say, in the end, both of us are gonna be alone at night but neither of us want to be. You can fill your bed with groupies. But you can't fill the empty space you've been missin'. You get what I mean? It doesn't work. It's odd. I mean, it is different when it is with you. I'm not a swinger, and I don't want to be. I've been through all that and nothing works better than to have someone you love hold you..


Someone who'll make you the happiest."


And I flashed a big heartily smile after that, thinking of the best days I had with you. I wondered if my cheeks turned red, and blushed for a moment back there. :P




#miswa!

Yisss! katugon na ko! Hahahahahaha good night!

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!!

And once again, the consistency and coherence of my insecurities seemingly wouldn't cease to exist. And I am sleep deprived almost always with this schizophrenic dilemma. Do you know how that feels when you have a 7AM class tomorrow? Oh, wait -class? I have an exam, for Chrissakes! Letche.


#patulganakoba :3

I LITERALLY WENT...

UUHHHHH :')))))

My sis' kids! Gaaaaaawd. That's just.. cute and sweet! Such a heart fluttering sight. I am incredibly happy for them. :)) Hahaha makatambok sa heart. ♥

ROSE

[Note: Whatever is about to follow, or everything about this: the title, the story, may not seem connected, but I assure you, they are.]




I've been so horrible. I AM so horrible. 
I have been so selfish. I AM SELFISH. 


GREEDY


or much worse.. 










I.. uhm, actually don't know how to start this.


*sighs*


This is a story of the Queen. Her selfish acts, fear, vanity and pride. You name it. Oh, this is actually a tale. Not the Queen's but a rose's tale.


                   I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it. I love you.. And it's because I love you that I can't 
                       be selfish with you... I don't deserve you, someone out there does.


Once long ago, there lived a Queen. She had but only one beloved Lioness who was her pride and joy. To assume that Lioness' are vicious and cunning, still she feared to lose it. So she set forth a proclamation to summon every creature who can took care of her friend. Later that night, the Queen sat in her blue room with the Lioness' friend, the Lamb. "None of them could bring me someone. Someone who's honest and true - as you have been. Someone who's kind and patient - as you have been. I do not want someone who seeks only the power but someone who will value my friend for who and what she is - as you have."


"Tomorrow," said the Lamb. "I will bring you someone. Wait for me in the garden just before sundown."


The next day, the sun was almost gone. The Lamb appeared bearing nothing but the Lamb's self.

And the Lamb knelt before the Lioness, "My Queen, I do not possess what might other people had who knelt before you."



The Lioness reached out and put her hand to the Lamb's.















Need I tell you what's the ending - not because I am the storyteller nor that storyteller's should say it has a happy ending nor that all good fairy tales say that it should be. But because the Lioness and the Lamb knew their happiness was in their own hands, and that, was responsible for making sure the other was happy.








Where was the rose in that? That is the question.




OH, FOR THE RECORD? I SUCK. BIGTIME.

You're such a douche. I still love you, though.

THERE IS ALWAYS A POINT OF...

Your emotional unavailability has put me into constant deep thinking. Nahh, never mind.












#gettingtired

CHASING AUTUMN LEAVES

Well honestly, I'm waiting for the formality on things to be on the official side. I mean, I think everything's all been said and done, but you can't just dive into the water without knowing how deep it is, right?

I can have anyone I want if I wanted to.

But that's not me. I wouldn't commit into something with no bases, with no foundation, something I'm not sure of. I can't risk another goodbye just because of the differences we two have nor just because what I felt was impulsive. See, the thing is, you can't just find that special thing with someone. You can't just met someone, bump right into someone so amazing, so beautiful inside out, so smart, so cra-aaazyyy.. and annoyingly make your heartbeat go fast. Hence the word "bump," I guess everyone's looking for that. Every thing you do, every where you go, you try to find that bump, you try to find that thing that dazzles you, that leaves you in awe. That blip. That click. That spark.. (well as their own way of saying.) Now when you find that, you go GRAB IT. You REACH for it. Even CHASE it. And when you have it, take care of it. You nurture it with love.


Well.. every time I see you laugh.. You had me just every damn time.

Seeing someone so happy, so carefree is so fulfilling, so satisfying especially when you know you're the reason behind it.

Aaand I will chase more of your leaves until you decide  to become an evergreen like me. And that's the only best promise you can get. :) Hahahahaha

BUMPING CARS. CRAZY CART. Either way, don't want to go overboard.

"So, should I stop? Then say something. I've been there once with you, and you said No. You shut me down. I don't wanna go back there again.. Unless you make it crystal clear."

Really.

It happened a few months a while back when a friend asked me if you and I were.. a thing. Are we? I laughed. For the question seemed ridiculous.



My phone beeped, jumping eagerly, knowing the text might be from you. Then I realized.. was I that obsessed. :3 I really wished to beat the crap out of me. Acting like a total whipped. The next thing I knew I was ignoring the texts. I groaned and rolled over in the bed pulling the pillow on top of my head, trying to stop thinking, but it was no use.

I've never really had a real 'thing' with someone before, not a proper one that I've had feelings for. I started to wonder what it would actually feel, to have someone whom you actually care more than anything else. Someone you want to go home to every night and talk to instead of going out with your friends. Screw school stuff just to text and wish that someone to have a good night sleep. What If I'm scaring you? Or coming on too strong? The one that I think I could possibly have 'feelings' (-char) would run off, too scared, and I'd lose couldn't I bear. But why'd you have to do and tell me all that stuff? I mean, how could you want all that stuff with me and texts me sweet messages for hours on the phone. I am thinking A LOT right now. Wouldn't I be sitting here just wonder why you want me too? Why am I making you happy too? AND WHY THE HELL am I having this unworthy feeling?


Remembering the question, I answered, "Well.. in a way." With a stupid moronic big grin on the face.


Then I drifted to sleep with you on my mind as usual. Maybe it would feel a little like what I'm feeling right now, sort of contented and happy.

Or.. am I too lonely for my own good??

It was times like this that I wished I had someone, someone to ask me what was wrong and tell me that it was ok for feeling like an idiot. Someone to hold me so I could think about anything other than being like a stupid prick. Someone to just want to be with me for me, instead of the way I looked, or the way I dressed or because I wore a uniform. Then my mind wandered to you... of how uninterested you are in me. Or was it the rejecting that you did? I mean, where would be the fun in that. I just thought it was an interesting chase. It IS. I laughed and shook my head at myself. A cliche. I've always wanted what I couldn't have. Was I wearing my game face on because you didn't want me? Whyyy.. do I always want the unobtainable? :x

And maybe I can close my eyes before I can momentarily remember to slap myself before anything falls on the floor.

HANDS UNBELIEVABLY NUMB

We're inseparable...





That I don't know whether
it's a good thing or a bad thing for me already.
Then maybe I'll get used to it
To the point, scaring myself dare to cut loose
and can't get myself back up again.
That if I let go, I can't find my grip
that I so long invested so much from.
And at the same time, scared —with every sense of it,
of how you make me most happy.

I'm petrified, you know that?
You make my wings so frail for an instant,
invincible the next.

I know I do make you sad or appropriately saying, mad. —well, in some time, I DID.
and i just don't know at this present state.

There were times that I got so confused, really CONFUSED.
Assessing my thoughts about everything: about me, about us, college,
meeting new people and you not looking back nor thinking
about everything and everyone, especially to me.
But that's me, that's what I do; I overthink things. And I wanna say sorry for that,
and all those things I made you mad and upset all these years.
Remembering those times, to add that you are just sooooo frustrating sometimes ('til now), I'm taking the moments, of how much we've been through and how much.... Ya know already. :)


Though the bitter fact is constantly nagging me that I can't make you happy anymore,
Or better saying, not enough anymore,
I'm still thankful of you for STAYING.
And that I'll always know that I have a special place there.
(Uyyy, wai hilakay. :P)



♫♪ And no matter where my rhythm takes me,
by my side is where you'll always be..  so I'm singing my song, Paparapapa.. ♥ ♪♫♪


Be happy, because you deserve it, more than anyone in the world.
May you have all the best things in life.
Happy Birthday!




Xoxo


P.S.,
You're always gonna be my sweetest whatever.
I can't let go from this hold...
I wouldn't.
Missing you. xx  (And stop bitching or over reacting about this whatsoever-letter. :P)

Gahd. How am I suppose to carry on?

TWO FOURTEEN TWENTY THIRTEEN

Wish i could fall in love all over again...




I would if i could.

-other than this, i don't have any valentine-related post . HAHA so yeah.. 

BURNED

-pretty much it.

Nagkatawa ko..

ky sakit kaau sa akong buot.




-nabuang na 'guro ko nuh? :'[

Mrning! =x

Can ya feel me burnin?

"We gotta go our own separate ways."

"I kinda gotta figure out what I need."

"How do you let go when you, you just don't know what's on the other side of the door when you're walking out?"



- These lines always resounds in my head. It's never easy. I was told not to let go of the things i couldn't afford to lose (by myself). Lol
Haaaayyy ambot -.-

PAVEMENTS —and I, utterly, dreaded.

"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?"
-Perfect song, perfect line .